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COPVBIGHT DEPOSIT. 



THE TEDDYSEE 



t 



THE TEDDYSEE 

BY 

WALLACE IRWIN 



ILLUSTRATED BY M. L. BLUMENTHAL 



NEW YORK 
B. W. HUEBSCH 

1910 



^%^1 



Copyright. 1910. by 
The Curtis Publishing Co. 

Copyright, 1910, by 
B. W. Hlebsch 



PRINTED IN tl. S. A. 



CCI.A27.S748 



r 



The text and illustrations here 
printed first appeared in Tlie 
Saturday Evening Post. The 
courtesy of the publishers in 
permitting their reissue in this 
form is hereby acknowledged. 



THE TEDDYSEE 



BOOK THE FIRST 



THE TEDDYSEE 



BOOK THE FIRST 

I. — The Godlike Tedysses Setteth Out for 
Oblivion, But Misseth the Train 

It seems that Jove, who on Olympus sat 
Picking his teeth with thousand-volted 

shafts — 
The date was March 4, 1909— 
Looked down on burning Washington and 

cried: 
■■Juno, it seemeth me this Teddy Boy 
Hath kicked the Short-and-Ugs about 

enough. 
See how his chariot rageth through the 

smoke 
Squashing Tillmanicus, bumping Uncle 

Joe, 

11 



12 THE TEDDVSEE 



'Proddingthe wolf Aldrichas till he snarls — 
Now and again he swingeth on some Trust 
E'en as J. Johnson poked the giant Jeff. 
Minerva's spectacles and Vulcan's teeth 
He wears for slaughter — O Tedysses bold! 
Loud ringeth thy bullful 'Bully! ' through 

the land. 
Wall Street doth throw a fit when thou 

dost sneeze; 
Smashed lies the Gang, and men are sick 

of blood." 
The white-armed Juno, powdering her 

nose, 
From Heaven looked down upon the messy 

scene. 
She spoke: " 'Tis easy to be rid of Ted. 
Men vanish when the gods say ' 23 ! ' 
What I propose, O Zeus, is simply this: 
Send this Tedysses on some wild-moose 

chase 
To Europe, via Congo, Swaziland, 
Mombasa and a string of black-face stop- 
offs 
Not found in New York Central railway 

guides, 
Twelve months to wander — and I'll bet 

my sandals, 
If Afric lions do not do their duty. 
The Mighty Noise of Sagamorea's hill 
Will find Oblivion in some other way. ' ' 



THE TEDDYS EE 13 

Thus Juno spake while jovial-smiling Jove 
The button pressed, called Mercury and 

cried : 
'Boy, take this ticket to Tedysses — scoot! " 
Fleet Hermes bore the pasteboard, which 

was marked 
'Good for One First-Class Passage to Ob- 
livion. ' ' 

Oblivion! O ye gods, high overhead. 
Ye cannot shove a card like that on Ted! 

//. — Mercury Delivereth the Ticket and 
Tedysses Breaketli Aivay 

"Penelope, Penelope! '" 

The brave Tedysses cried — 
And when he called Penelope 
'Twas generally known that he 

Meant Taftica, his bride^ 
"O fair and fat Penelope. 

I'm going for to go 
To wild and woolly Afrikee, 
Where elephants and reptiles be 

And pizen skeeters grow. 
But ril come back, Penelope, 

As sure as you are born — 
There ain't a snake can puncture me; 

My cuticule 

Is like a mule 



14 THE TEDDYSEE 

"And skeeter-proof my pores they be; 
While my rough-riding vertebrae 
Would stop a rhino's horn." 

"My hero! " cried Penelope, 
"The rhino what collides with thee 
Will surely crack his horn. ' ' 

' ' But, ere I go, Penelope, ' ' 

The brave Tedysses said, 
"These last instructions take from me: 
Shun Nelson A. , Sereno P. , 
And uncular Josephus C, 
When they come making eyes at thee, 

Awishing for to wed. 
Our little son Giffordius 

In trust with thee I leave. 
He is a Nature-loving cuss 

And oft for me he'll grieve. 
And if some Moneyed Interest 

Molests my Gifford P., 
Ah, press him tightly to thy breast, 
And think, oh, think of me! " 

Penelope she tightly pressed 
The Constitution to her breast 

And sighed: "I'll think of thee! " 

Tedysses cleared his golden throat 
And dropped a godlike tear. 



THE TEDDYS EE 



15 



"My Policies you'll kindly tote 

When I am gone, my dear. 
I cannot name them all to you, 

Because they're such a lot — 
There's several just finished new 

And some that I've forgot. 
But if, when I return to thee, 
My Policies intact I see, 
I'll know that you've been true to me- 

If not — why, then you've not." 

' ' My own, iny Party Spouse, ' ' said she, 
"Perhaps I'll be quite true to thee — 
Perhaps, again, I'll not." 




16 THE TEDDYS EE 



III. — Godlike Exploits of Tedysses in 
Ethiopia 

(This here chapter I omit — 

It is laid in Afric's clime. 
Where Our Hero's gun doth hit 

Fourteen jungles at a time. 
Wounded lions he enrages — 

Oh, you know the stuff I mean! 
You can find it in the pages 

Of a Current Magazine. ) 



IV. — The Much- Wandering' Tedysses 
Hcareth the call of the Tame; So 
He Hiketh to Cairo and Calleth 
Down the Blaek-and-Tan Insur- 
gents 

On the shores of Africay 

Bold Tedysses now doth stand 
With a hippo dead and gray 

Resting lightly in his hand. 
There's a look of Far Away 

On his brow of high command. 

For his ear 

Seems to hear 

Something marvelously queer 
In the distant U. S. A. 
Something like a " thump-thump-thump ! ' ' 
Followed by a ghastly Bump! ! 



THE TEDDYSEE 17 



'O ye gods and little tish! 

O ye snails of Oyster Bay! 

Faith, this soundeth quite suspish- 
ious to one so far away! 

Has Penelope, forsook. 

By some Handsome Trust been took? 

Have the Predatories snook 

With my Conservation Book? 

Is the Big Stick now a crook? 

Has the Square Deal got the hook? 

Fain on Congress would I look! " 
Fear disturbed his plexus solar 
As he ground each perfect molar, 

As he stood in thought a while. 

Then he hoofed it many a mile 

Down the lotos-bearing Nile. 

Holy Egypt! 

Such a break-up 

Of a shake-up 

And a wake-up! 

Not since Joseph, son of Jacob, 

Prophesied long years of drouth 

Has a stranger, bent on touring. 
Hit old Nilus, long enduring. 

Such a wallop in the mouth. 

'Midst the mummies and the scarabs 
Teddy lectured baby Arabs 

On ' ' The Strenuous Endeavor. ' ' 
While the poor, astonished Sphinx 



18 THE TEDDYSEE 



Gasped with shrinks and winks and bUnks 
At this flood of Modern Thinks, 

Groaning hoarsely, "\^'ell, I never!" 
Teddy next, with manner urgent, 
Called down many a black Insurgent, 
Many a Murdoek hued like jet. 
Many a dusky La FoUette 
Who had come with hope paretic 
That they'd "get the sympathetic." 
'Down! " cried Ted; "Egyptian Smarty! 
Join the Regulation Party! " 
At these words there rose a chorus 

Of prolonged Egyptian powwows 
As they barked round Theodorus 

Like a pack of angry bow^vows. 
And they'd surely got his goat 

If Our Hero, still undaunted. 

Hadn't packed his pelts and jaunted 
By the early morning boat. 

And the day that he departed 
Rose a chant of hope which started 
From the mj^stic fane of Isis: 
'Rise. O Nile! We've passed the Crisis." 



THE TEDDYS EE ly 



v.- Tedysses Heareth the Sirerus and 
Admireth Their Voices 

To Italy, to Italy 

Tedysses took his way, 
The land of ease, the land of fleas, 

WTiere Poverty is gay; 
The land of bowers and earven towers 

Where Art's undying name 
Both permeates and penetrates — 

And Garlic does the same 

'Twas in the sea near Italy 

That Ted received a shock. 
"On yonder tide," the sailors cried, 
"There lies the Sirens' Rock. 
And if we hear the Sirens' song 

Ourselves we'll so forget 
Our bark will snag upon a crag 
And sink into the wet. ' ' 

So seven sacks of sealing-wax 

Tedysses straightway got, 
And in the ears of all the crew 

He poured it boiling hot. 
Then tight and fast unto a mast 

He bound him with a thong, 
And, thus secure, he wooed the lure 

Of that sweet Siren Song. 



20 THE TEDDYS EE 

On the beaches sat three peaches 

Thrice by Nature blessed. 
One was labeled ' " Solid East, ' ' 

Another "Solid West." 
But of the three the fairest she 

WTio sang, with I'osy mouth, 
A bright refrain of Dixie strain — 

She was the Solid South. 

Herewith I reproduce those strains which 
floated o'er the deck 

Until our godlike hero almost broke his god- 
like neck: 

Song nf the Sirens 

O you restless Teddy, giving 

Free advice to France and Rome, 

Do you know the Cost of Living 
Is advancing 'way back home? 

That the Tact of Taft has never 

Saved a rumpus — and we guess 

That the Finest Tariff Ever 
Is a mighty aw^ul mess? 

Do you know the Trusts are thicker 
And the forests growing thinner? 

Then why linger, Ted, and bicker 

With a bunch of Kings at dinner? 



THE TEDDYS EK 21 



Home again, O Teddy! 

Back to the long love-feast! 
There's a great big heart in the great big 
West 

And another in the little old East. 

We can ship you back on a flowery track 
Right up to the White House Door — 

If one good Term deserves another 

What's the matter with Another Term 
More? 

(Our Hero paled and trembled as the vessel 
onward skipped. 
Although his ears were sealed with wax, I 
rather think it slipped. ) 

There is a place called Europe — 

You'll find it on the map. 
Here Teddy's bark did moor up 

To wake it from its nap. 
The Natives, seeing Teddy, 

That Hero's praises sung 
In accents rough and ready. 

Each in his native tongue. 
The Dagos cried "Robusto! " 

The French exclaimed "Encore! " 
The German line raised stein on stein 

With "Hoch der Theodore! " 



02 THE T EDDYS EE 

But in the town of Budapest, 

\\'here all the Magyai-s dwell, 
They simply shouted: "Szz boom fssst 

Yok pUst tish tush wat tell! " 
'Twas in the States of Europe 

That Teddy took his stand 
And plainlj' spoke to all the folk 

On ' ' How to Run Your Land. 
'Twas in the ehildless Paris 

Where Theodore said he, 
"The art of raising babies 

Is in its infancy." 
"Twas he to Bill the Kaiser 

Who said, "Mein alt freund Bill, 
Your troops are green — you should have 
seen 

My charge up San Juan Hill! " 
'Twas he who went to London 

And got the keys of gold 
And told the British something skittish 

About the way — but hold! 



Round the Hero thronged the Kings 
Like a flock of eager muttons. 

Begging souvenirs and things. 

Autographs and pins and buttons. 

Night and day along his wake 

Dogged the Sceptered and the 
Crowned — 



THE TEDDYSEE 23 



Faith, u King is hard to shake 

When he gets to hanging round! 

On his shoulderblade they wept, 
Told him of their joys and ills. 

Till, at last, when Europe slept, 
Ted escaped to Brescia's hills. 

VII —He Meeteth His Favorite Policy, 
Giffbrdins, and Heareth Shocking 
News of Home 

"Twas in an ancient, peaceful olive grove 
Tedysses walked alone, composing o'er 
Tomorrow's little Peace Talk for The 

Hague. 
Entitled, "Hit the Other Fellow First! " 
When, whistling to him from the bough, 

he heard 
Some exiled dryad from the U. S. A. 
And lion-thewed Tedysses, looking up. 
Beheld, slow-stalking in a near-by glade, 
One of His Policies, tall and gaunt and 

sad. 
The Forest Lover of the Tennis Court. 
And then, "My Gifford!" cried exalted 

Ted. 
"My Ted!" cried Giff— they met in one 

wild clinch, 
E'en as some cyclone, strolling Kansas o'er, 
Picks up Emporia's First Baptist Church 



24 THE TEDDYSEE 

And shakes its belfry loose. At length 
spoke Ted: 
"Hath Nature faked mine eyes? What do 
you. GiflFord, 
Far from our Grand Old Party's peaceful 
perch?" 
"Peaceful— Oh, Splash!" GifFordius cried 

amain. 
"My Ted, when thou wert on wild Afric's 
shore 
Didst hear a distant Crash?" "I heard a 

Bump," 
Said Ted. Whereat spake GifF: "That 
Bump was me. ' ' 

Upon a noble Roman stone they sate 
Lips close to ear, while GifF a tale unfolded 
So wild, so weird, that full a half a minute 
Ted listened tense, nor said a single word — 
This for the first time in his public life. 
I can't repeat, OMuse, what Gifford told; 
How bold Achilles round Tedysses' hearth 
Rocked in the old cane rocker, quite at 

home; 
How fair and fat Penelope, now false, 
Was singing love duets with Uncle Joe, 
Feeding the wolf Aldi'ichas with a spoon 
While sly Sereno worked her spinning 

wheel 
That wove the TariflF. 



THE TEDDVSEE 25 

These mad truths he told, 
When, sudden, up Tedysses rose in air, 
Smashed his rough-riding helmet to the 

sward 
And through Liguria whooped this battle- 
cry: 

"Malefactors! 
Falsifiers! 
All mendacity; 
No veracity — 

Bully, bee-lighted— Rah-rah!" 
Fair Gifford smiled and leaned against a 

tree. 
His heart was glad to hear this old-time 

shout, 
For well he knew he'd started Teddy off. 
And that, when he had made the Guild 

Hall speech 
And called the English down for good and 

plenty. 
He'd make a home run for his Native 

Land, 
Get the Big Hickory into play, and 
then 




26 THE TEDDYS EE 



VIII. — Chorus of Mermaids Attending the 
Teddyboat Back to A?nerica 

Little boy Ted, 

Come, blow youi* horn! 
The wolf's in the forest. 

The hog's in the corn. 
The Regulars plot 

As they gather in rings 
A regular lot 

Of irregular things. 
Hi-diddle-diddle, 
Truth's on the griddle; 

The Mule's kicked over Nebraska. 
When Ted's away 
The Trusts will play. 

And Gugg's lunning off with Alaska. 



BOOK THE SECOND 



BOOK THE SECOND 

/. — The Wandering Tedysses Maketh 
Fresh Tracks 

Great-souled Tedysses, going home, 

The slow-poke vessel now doth fret. 
His heart outyearns to Sagamore, 

To Wichita his teeth are set. 
And while he lifts impatient word, 

Lo! where the ambient billows leap. 
He sees a badly damaged Bird 

Fly limply to him o'er the deep. 

At Teddy's feet the Bird doth flop, 
Its neck unhinged, its beak ajar; 

Much sorrow sticketh in its crop 
And on its tail no feathers are. 

29 



30 THE TEDDYSEE 



This Specimen with tender care 

Tedysses lifts, despite its grease. 
"I know you not! " \Miereat the Bird 

Exclaims: "I am your Dove of 
Peace!" 

"Fond Dove! " cries Ted in bitter tone, 
' ■ Last year I left you on the Job, 
With feathers white and coo all right, 
And fat like Philadelphia's squab. 
Why is thy wing done in a sling? 

W^hat have they gone and done to 
thee?" 
But all the dying Bird can croak 

Is: "Taft, and Party Harmonee! " 

The shooter of a thousand zoos 

Into his gun a wad doth poke. 
Harks to the Dove's expiring coos. 

Then careless Heaven he doth in- 
voke: 
"Since hunting is the sport I love. 

My gun for slaughter still I'll tote. 
Since some one's gone and got my Dove, 
Now I'll go forth for some one's 
Goat!" 



THE TEDDYSEE 31 



//. — He Entereth America by the Front 
Door 

Muses, lend me an earthquake 

To rattle the big blue dome, 
Or a djTiamite bomb, 
Or a fierce tom-tom, 
Or a bugle-call, 
Or Niagara's fall — 
Full justice to do 
To the hullabaloo 

Which roared New York and the Country 
through 

When Teddy came sailing home. 
Thunder and smoke, how tlie Patriots 
woke 

From Kalamazoo to Nome! 
Your Uncle Sam fell off o' the porch 
And the Statue of Liberty swallowed her 
torch 

WTien Teddy came sailing home. 

There was color, there was noise. 
There were Abernathy boys. 

There was many a chief and scout and 
lion-trainer; 
Cuban Vets with battered hilts 
And Cornelius Vanderbilts 

And that Tammany-Insurgent, Mayor 
Gaynor. 



32 THE TEDDYS EE 

Woolly war-cries filled the air, 
Cowboys rode in Union Square, 

Fame stood on her heavenly perch and 
yelled like Melba; 
Sons of Erin, Sons of Titus 
And the Order of Saint Vitus 

Skinned their throats to raise the Bat- 
tle-cry of Elba. 

Through the Ready-Money Town 
They paraded up and down, 

Teddy bowing right and left like Ju- 
lius Caesar; 
And the Nation, which had slumbered 
As the empty months they numbered. 

Thrilled again to greet its Corporation 
Squeezer. 

When the tumult and the spouting 

Died away amidst the shouting, 
And the Captains and the Colonels 
had departed, 
Sat a Grafter in his clover 
Chuckling: "Gee! I'm glad it's over! " 

Echo answered: "Over, man! He's 
scarcely started ! ' ' 



THE TEDDYS EE 33 



///. — False Albany ToyetJt with the 
Charade}- of Penelope: 

When Sodom's sins were burned away, 

And vile Gomorrah cooked, 
The thriving town of Albany 

\Vas, somehow, overlooked. 
'Twas there, ere dew of morning dried. 
Timmus of \\'oodrufF rose and cried: 
"Hey, Willie, look to yonder plain! 

Methinks I hear, 

^Vith sickening fear. 
The Big Noise coming home again! " 

Then William Barnes he up did start — 

Fear swelled his apoplectic heart 

As through the State he raised the shout: 

"To arms, ye Olde Garde! — tumble out! " 
Then forth from mountains, forests, val- 
leys. 
Rathskellers, cisterns, bowling-alleys. 
The noble Stalwarts flfx'ked amain — 

"Our jobs! Our jobs! " their wild refrain. 

From Utica, to join the game. 
That little sunshine, Sherman, came. 
Before the hosts 

For war arrayed. 
With empty boasts 
Of "Who's afraid?" 



34 THE T EDDYS EE 



With godlike stride J. Sherman goes; 
WTiile, perching deftly on his nose, 
His large Pickwickian specs repose. 

(A flash of spear, 

A Noise of dread, 
Proclaim the near 
Approach of Ted. ) 
"Let's hatch a plot," 
Says Tim to Jim, 
*• 'Tis well— why not?" 
Says Jim to Tim. 
So head to head and heart to heart, 
^^'ith ghastly glance and ghostly start, 
The Fatal Papers they procure 
And sign the Fatal Signature. 

\Vhen, lo! upon that guilty scene 
A Comet, run by gasoline, 

With sportive snort 

And short cavort, 
Arrives and casts a gibbous green 
On the grim glim of Tim and Jim — 
"Horrors! " they babble. "It is Him! " 

Tedysses, like a square-faced ghost, 
Thus spake to the assembled host: 
"Fair gentlemen, it is my fate 
Full many million Things to hate. 
The liav plain 
I do despise; 



THE TEDDYS EE 35 



"At grafters vain 

My gorge doth rise; 
I hate the cats 

About New York 
Who live in flats 

And dodge the Stork. 
The man of news 

\A'^ho rakes the muck 
Well knows nij^ views 

Upon his Truck; 
The greedy Trust 

\\'ith scorn I clothe; 
The Judge unjust 

I likewise loathe. 
But of the Things I cannot brook 
The most, by George, I hate a crook! " 

But Barnes, in suaver manner cloaked. 
Swallowed his rage — and almost choked. 
"O Ted! " quoth he, "thou speakest flip. 

My kindness see! 

I offer thee 
The Temporary Chairmanship — 
Say, wouldst thou take it if thou couldst? " 
Fair spake Tedysses: "Sure, I wouldst! " 

(These politicians beat the Dickens — 
Please notice how the plot now thickens. ) 
Just as Tedysses took his stand 
The loyal Olde Garde to command, 



S6 THE TEDDYS EE 

An A. D. T. boy, undersized — 
T. \\'oodruff for the pai't disguised — 
Into Bill Barnes his crafty mitt 
A message prest — and this was it: 
'^ From us pray take our Royal Tip — 
For Temporary Chairmanship 
The surmy Sherman I indorse. 
The Grand Old Party 's noble horse. 
The friend of Man, the foe of Graft, 
Thine for harmonious action, 

Taftr 

As when the birdman Brookins flies 

Ten thousand feet into the skies. 

And there doth drop an orange sweet 

Upon some Aviation Meet, 

So did the soul of Ted downfall 

To read that message fraught with gall- 

His dear-loved Consort writing notes 

And lending comfort to the Goats! 

His flashing eye 

Doth slightly blear; 

A tearful sigh, 
A sighful tear 
Drops on his native sward — and then 
He grasps his mighty fountain pen: 
'''Penelope, since I have xvent. 
Why didst thou choose another gent ? 
And why, oh why, that heartless whim 
To knock of me and block for Jim 1 " 



THE TEDDYSEE 37 

Then, answering to 

Those words of ire, 
This message flew 
Across the wire: 
' Your fears allay, beloved Ted / 
You say they say the things I said : 
Which said remarks I didn't say. 
Say what I say . I'm thine alway. ' ' 

Then o'er the ranks of Albany there fell 

a sickly, solemn hush — 
Such as when some big bumbling bee falls 

footless in a bowl of mush. 
'War to the knife! " Tim Woodruff hissed. 
"Aye! " thundered Ted, "and to the 
teeth!" 
His good right hand he crooked and drew 

his Liar Killer from its sheath; 
But, even as he paused to strike, a wireless 

wave him thus addressed: 
'Drop the Small Game and come to help 
the Woolly but Progressive West. ' ' 

His Killer in his belt he stuck. 

And this impromptu speech spake 
he: 
"Fate cannot change the Teddyluck — 
Prepare a future jolt to buck, 

Bill Barnes — anon you'll hear from 
me!" 



38 THE TEDDYS EE 



IV. — Tedysses Swingeth the Square Deal 
in the Big Circle 

"East is East and West is West, and never 

the two shall meet, ' ' 
As Rudyard K. exclaimed in a way, which 

is putting it rather neat; 
Now the Voice of the East has a nasal 

twang, but the West, when her 

Voice she blows. 
She lets out a yell like the Pipes o' Hell 

— and the fellow she calls for goes. 

So into the \\'est went Teddy 

On the swiftest he could procure, 
For a Conserv^ational, 
Conversational, 

Radical lecture tour. 
On matters of urgency 
Boosting Insurgency, 

Patting the Elba Clubs, 
Praising the fighters, 
Alarming State-Righters 

And chumming with Governor Stubbs. 

With a phonograph 
And the Outlook staff. 

And DoUiver vocally sweet. 
And Garf and Giff 
All ready to bifF 

Achilles from off his seat. 



THE TEDDY SEE 39 

Elach hour of the day 
With something to say 

And something to drink and eat — 
A galaxy gallant 
Of popular talent 

Which Four of a Kind can't beat! 

Among the tall burdocks 
With Bristows and Murdocks 

He hunted the Trust to its lair; 
A fist broad and bi-awny 
He shook after Tawney, 

And shouted: "Come out, if you 
dare!" 
To crossroads and sidings 
He brought the good tidings 

Of "Boost my New Policies strong! " 
He praised little mothers 
And slammed the weak brothers 

Who didn't know Virtue from 
Wrong. 

At every station 
There stood an Ovation, 

With banzais so lusty and salvos so 
swinging 
That the welkin, in fact, 
Got outrageously cracked 

After several weeks of continuous 
ringing. 



40 



THE TEDDYS EE 



Shall I mention Cheyenne, with its busy 
corrals. 
Where the cattlemen told him, "You 
bet' we are sta'nch! " 
How he talked upon "Waterways, fleets 
and canals" 
To the dry-farming boys of the Al- 
kali Ranch? 
Shall I tell how he burst upon Denver's 
plateau 
To the Third Term Enthusiast's usu- 
al cheer? 
How he stood on the platform, looked 
round and said, ' ' No — 
I won't speak a word till Ben Lind- 
sey is here ! " 





>tf 



THE TEDDYSEE 



41 



How he slammed the Supreme Court's 
supremer banalities, 

Cross-eyed decisions and "high technical- 
ities"? 

Then on to the land of Insurgent Bonanzas — 
Muse, tie your hat on; we're going toKansas: 
^^■ichita, Ottawa, Lebo, Eureka, 
Delphos. Eudora, Chetopa, Topeka; 
Then on where the sunflower flaunts its 

bravery — 
Osawatomie, still the staunch foeman of 

slavery, 
WTiere the soul of great John, 

Whose last name was Brown, 
Goes marching right on 

Through the cvite little town. 




4a THE TEDDYS EK 



Here the Teddy Train stopped with a toot 

that was rollicking; 
Whole population of Kansas came frolick- 
ing: 
Mothers and fathers and grizzled old Vets 
Thronged from the farms 
As they bore in their arms 
The hardiest crop that young Kansas be- 
gets— 
Infantile Bristows and wee La Follettes. 
"Tonight is the night!" 

Said Governor Stubbs 
To Will Allen White, 

Who was up to the hubs 
In a trance of delight 
As forth in his might 
Strode the Soul of Progressive Republican 

Clubs. 
Oh, how can I focus my mind's feeble prism 
On that wonderful speech on New Nation- 
alism, 
Where a Platform was built. 
Some Trust-blood was spilt 
And \Vrong got the javelin up to the hilt? 

Next he praised Kansas City's Missourian 

forces. 
Then stopped at Sioux Falls, where, in 

thrilling discourses, 
He spoke on "Notorious Party Divorces. " 



THE TEDDYSEi: 4S 



Then a stop-off at Fargo 
To let on a cargo 
Of deputy sheriffs and cowpunching boj's 
Who were eager with praise 
Of "them hell-splittin' days 
On the Little Missouri — wow! Let's make 
a noise! " 
Next he dropped at St. Paul 
On the Governors all 
And handed State-Rights a most serious 
"call"; 
Then an afternoon talky 
He spent at Milwaukee, 
Where he gave Mayor Seidel a gall-coated 

pill. 
Then on to Chicago flew Ted with a will. 
Where the Hamilton Club sat prepared 
for a thrill. 
As, with hard, vacant stare 
Stood a hard Vacant Chair 
Marked "Lorimer" — faith, it is standing 
there still 

So thus and etcetera Theodore pressed 

A Garland of Speeches three thousiuid 
miles long 
Like a barb-wire fence round the heart of 
the West, 
Till the W^est yelled "I'm yourn!" 
and took after him strong. 



44 TJIE TEDDYSEE 

But Marse Henry Watterson spoke from 
his heart: 
"The Slayer of Lions is now being lionized; 
And the Colonel, of course, will continue 
his part 
Till the dear old Republican Party 
is Bryanized. " 

V. — Our Muse Taketh the Express Ele- 
vator to Olympus 

Muse, here's our elevator waiting. "Go- 
ing up! " 
Up to Olympus, where, with twitching 

beard. 
Great Jove sits at his desk and, with a pin. 
Traces across the map of U. S. A. 
The latest zigzag of the Teddy Tour. 
Around him sit the Council of the Gods, 
Each looking anxious as the sci'atching pin 
Passes from Kansas eastward to New York. 

"O tell me. Uncle Jupe, ' ' fair Venus speaks. 
Brushing the star-dust from her perfect 
nose, 
"What ticket will you give your Favorite 
now? 
What will Tedysses be a-doing next?" 
Nine thunder-sneezes sneezed the Cloud- 
compeller; 



THE TEDDYS EE 45 

Then thus to Venus: "Pretty pinky one, 
I'm merely hired to boss the Universe — 
Then how can I control this Teddy, pray? 
For there are things of which the gods 

themselves 
Can simply speak the Delphic phrase, 

'Search me! ' 
But, since you ask me what's my guess, 

I'll say 
Tedj'sses may, within a week or so, 
Fly angry to his ruined Party Home, 
Where his Penelope of Taftlike face 
Doth entertain his enemies at lunch. ' ' 

"O bully! " Venus cried; "then I foretell 
There'll be the loudest crash, the maddest 

yell 

Since Vulcan through the heavenly sky- 
light fell." 



BOOK THE THIRD 



BOOK THE THIRD 

/. — Tedysses Taketh a Club Unto the Sin- 
ful Suitors of Penelope 

Tired with his starry touring through 

the West, 
A thousand towns, a million epigrams, 
Tedysses paused — a thing he seldom did — 
And fell asleep within his special ear. 
Whereat Minerva, Harvard's sacred god- 
dess, 
Upon her ambient aero gliding down. 
Lifted Tedysses sleeping from his bunk 
And bore him to arboreal Washington. 
Softly she laid him on the White House 

lawn 
And with an angel-feather scratched his 
nose. 

49 



50 THE TEDDYSEE 

Our Hero sneezed. "Alas, where am I 
at?"— 

A question seldom asked by Theodore. 

He rubbed his glasses; then, quick glanc- 
ing round. 

Beheld his dear Administration Home; 

The very same — and yet how sadly 
changed! 
"Oh, what hath happened to my Tennis 
Court, 

That sacred plat where erstwhile Garf and 

Giff 

Bounced the swift ball belike a Rubber 
Trust? 

Weeds now infringe the spot — it seemeth 
me 

The Old White Homestead hath a differ- 
ent air 

From what it had before I left the place 

In charge of fair and fat Penelope. 




THE TEDDYSEE 51 

Thus Teddy spake, when sudden through 

the trees 
A dusty, damaged, dopey Dog appeared. 
Whined whimpering at Teddy's feet, and 

there 
Licking his hand fell in a hunger-faint. 
Tenderly leaning, Ted with terror saw 
The truth — it was his dog "My Policies"! 
"Horrors, poor hound!" he moaned; "I 

left you fat. 
Gnawing rich steaks from juicy Corpora- 
tions- 
See how your ribs stick out — your listless 

tail 
Betrays the fact that you have fed on 

scraps. 
And few of these, for many, many moons. 
Poor mutt! While you lie gasping in the 

ditch 
Tray, Blanche and Sweetheart, decked 

with I'ibbons blue. 
Bark saucily from out the Royal Coach. 
By George, I'll fix 'em! " Speaking thus, 

Tedysses 
Reached for his magic blade. 

WTien from the sky 
Divine Minerva, goddess Suffragette, 
Swooped swiftly down and thus to Theo- 
dore: 



5S 



THE TEDDYS EE 



"Sheathe the sharp sword, O Strong One! 
Only wait 
Until the proper time, and 1 shall grant 
thee 




A chance to smite thy foes in yonder Palace 
Such an Homeric swat as Honus Wagner 
Swings on some gosling from the Minor 
League. 



THE TEDDYS EE 53 

So saying, the goddess, by a magic word. 

Changed Teddy from his vast and warlike 
bulk 

To the more humble shape of Richard 
G la vis. 

Seattle clothes she put upon his back 

And in his hand a satchel labeled "Evi- 
dence. ' ' 

Thus strangely changed she led him gently 
forth 

And set him knocking at the White House 
door 

Just when Josephus Cannon and The Rest, 

Clad in rich robes and bearing sweet bou- 
quets. 

Were dropping in, as usual, for lunch. 

//. — The Crafty Tedysses Obtaineth Admit- 
tance to the Old Homestead 

There came a bump on the White House 
steps 

And a knock at the White House door. 
Achilles blank and Hitchcock frank, 
They gasped like trout in a brackish tank. 

"Who's there?" they cried, full sore. 
Then Achilles opened a weeny crack 

And peeked with a look surprised. 
For out in the storm stood a Glavis form — 

Which same was Our Ted disguised. 



54 THE TEDDYSEE 

" ' O poisonous snake of Insurgent make ! ' ' 

Godlike Achilles hissed; 
"Why come you here with suspectful leer 
And a fatuous Conservation sneer 
And a tainted Alaska list?" 
"I have evidence plain," quoth the Glavis 
swain, 
"Which will rattle your slats some 
more; 
For it tells of loot. " — Here he stuck his boot 
In the crack of the White House door. 

"Oh, Evidence plain ye may bring in vain — 
Avaunt, vile viper, avaunt! " 
Achilles cried as he rubbed his heels. 
"We've muckraking spiels on Land Office 
deals 
Far more than we'll ever want." 
But Hitchcock fair cried: "What do we 
care ? 
Such clowns but amuse the Bunch — 
For this Glavis bloke is a Popular Joke; 
Let's haul him along to lunch! " 

Then into the empty Cabinet Room 
Led they the glaviform Ted. 

Then they put bright bells on his toes of 
pride; 

Then gave him a bauble— and next they tied 
A fool's cap over his head. 



THE TEDDYSEE 55 

So they laughed "Ha-ha!" and they 
shrieked "Huzzah! 
Sure, the look on his mug is rum! " — 
Changed were their tune had they known 
how soon 
The End of the Laugh would come. 

///. — Tedy.sses Smiteth the Lyre, yet Hold- 
eth His Rage ■■.■■. 

Within the royal dining-hall 
The Suitor Horde sat lunching all. 
Such stacks of fattening food to eat! 
Such Taftlike joints of roasted meat! 
Such bumpers passed 'twixt college chums! 
Such 'possums stuffed with Party Plums! 
Upon a dais of solid make 

Reclined Penelope devout, 
Eating as though her heart would 
break — 
A goddess, though a trifle stout. 
Tedysses from his humble place 
Gazed on that well-iemembered face. 
"They say," said he, "Penelope 

Mourns my long absence day and 
night. 
And yet, so far as I can see. 

Grief has not lessened Appetite. ' ' 
On either side the royal plate. 
As if to share the royal state, 
Cannonos and Aldrichas sate. 



56 THE TEDDYSEE 

They seemed to be 
In rivalree 

To win the fair Penelope, 
Josephus, with his black cigar 
Tiptilted to the morning star, 
Spake thus: "Fair Taft, if in the tie 

Of Party V\'^edlock we should mate. 
Oh, think how smoothly you and I 

Could run the gol-dinged Ship o' 

State!"— 
Tedysses heard and broke a plate 
In silent, concentrated hate — 
Aldrichas spake: "Fair Taft, if I 

Could share thy throne my whole life 
long. 
The special Interests, weak and shy. 

We'd nurse till they were straight and 
strong! " — 
Tedysses. chewing silent glue. 
Snarled: "Rubber trustling! — meaning 

you." 

The nectar gurgled round on round 
To wild Reaction's tuneful sound, 
^Vhile Hale, of Democratic Maine, 
A jest or two could not I'efrain 
On absent Teddy's teeth and voice; 
And Ctesar Burrows, once the choice 
Of Michigan, until that state 
Stabbed Caesar in his consulate — 



THE TEDDVSEE 57 

C. Burrows made some cutting crack 
Anent "Ex-champs, who can't come 

back!" ' 
Tedysses heard. His smile was black. 
Then Woodruff, whom the gods call Tim, 
And he whom men call "Sunny Jim," 
Indulged in sentimental chat 

On Saratoga's splendid prime, 
WTien Tweed passed down the robe to Piatt 

And votes meant money all the time. 
Quoth W'ickersham: "I pledge a toast 

Unto the classic G. O. P. , 
Which, like some mighty Hitching Post, 

Moves not, yet holds its dignity. 
The toast was drunk with piercing yell 
By Tawney, Penrose and Dalzell; 
At which a frenzy of affright 

O'ercame the fair Penelope — 
■'If Ted should happen home tonight 

My, what a clearing out there'd be! " 

Tedysses, in his Glavis shape, 

Rose and o'erlooked the ribald fun 
As one who craves a shooting scrape, 

Yet lacks the necessary gun. 
The crowd beheld him with a screech 

Of "Get the hook!" and "Get the 
prong! " 
Some scoffers shouted, ' ' Dick, a speech ! ' ' 
Yet others, "Say it in a song! " 



58 THE TEDDYSEE 



Our Hero cleared his golden throat, 

His speechful throat to song unused, 

Then, as of yore, the Lyre he smote 
And tuned this melody enthused: 

Co?tservatiori Versus Devastation 

"A tree stood alone 

On a high, high hill. 
If they'd let it alone 

It would be thei'e still. 
But the tree was shipped 

To the old sawmill. 
\\'here its heart was ripped 

With a sawyer's skill. 
And now on the place 

Where the chipmunks jump 
There's a Land Fraud Case 

And a blackened stump. ' ' 

Chortis 

"It's too late to lock the stable when the 
mare's skipped spiy; 
If you throw away the apples, then you 
can't have pie; 
But the wisest affirmation 
In the Law of Consei-vation 
Is: You cannot draw the water when the 
well runs dry. " 



THE TEDDYSEE 



"In the primal soil 

Lay a ton of coal, 
Prize for the toil 

Of some needy soul. 
But it fell in the snitch 

Of a greedy Trust 
Which was in with the Rich 

And out for the dust. 
Oh, that Trust was deep 

As the midnight's dye. 
It could buy things cheap, 

It could sell 'em high: 
Now that coal doth smoke 

Over Pittsburgh sere, 
Where it adds to the choke 

Of the atmosphere. ' ' 

Ch07'US 

"When the kerosene has vanished, then the 
well won't spout; 
It's too late to talk of dancing when you've 
grown too stout — 
But the brightest aphorism 
Of the Brand-new Nationalism 
Is: You cannot fill the scuttle when the 
coal runs out. ' ' 

Achilles rose with frenzied nerve. 

Fear quavering through his pallid 
brain: 



60 THE TEDDVSEE 

"This clownish Glavis chaunts a dirge — 
Can't some one pipe a livelier strain? " 
Sereno Payne, devoted man, 

Worked in the background wild with 
zeal, • 

Weaving a Tariff as he ran 

Penelope's own spinning-wheel. 
"Oh, list! " he cried, "friends of mine own, 
This tripping threnode I'll intone: 

High Tariff" Spimiing-Song 

"If Uplift is good — and they say that it is — 
It's bully in any direction; 
It's fine in Religion, it's better in Biz, 
But in Tariff it's simply perfection. 
So we'll hike up the schedules on stockings 
and breeks. 
On rice, cotton, flour — can you beat 'em ? 
But we'll let down the bars on Italian 
Antiques, 
Because folks can't wear 'em or eat 
'em." 

Cnorus 
"Spin 'er out fine 
All down the line; 

Boost all the prices a wee little shade. 
So we'll sit our high horse 
And serenely indorse 

The Corkingest Tariff that Ever was 
Made." 



THE TEDDYSEE 61 

' ' If kindness is good— and they say it is sich — 
Then the poor should not lack our 
protection; 
But it's kindlier still to be kind to the Rich 

\\'ho reciprocate love and affection. 
So we'll aid the directors of Bethlehem 
Steel 
And the billionaire barons of rubber, 
Till the campaign bonanzas resound to 
our zeal 
And the Pork Barrels blossom with 
blubber. 

Chorus 
"Let us be just 
To the Shoemaking Trust — 

Wee Infant Industry needing our aid; 
And our Party we thank 
As we stand on the plank 

Of the Helpfulest Tariff that Ever 
was Made. ' ' 

IV. — Tedysses Turneth Loose 

The luncheon now was drawing to a close, 
And, dallying dankly with the fingerbowl. 
The wolf Aldrichas rose and thus addressed 

Penelope: 

"Great Queen, alas, too long 
You've kept your suitors on the anxious 
seat! 



62 



THE TEDDYS EE 



Teddy, you see, is coming back no more: 
So, say, for good and all, which one of us 
You choose to fill the strenuous place be- 
side thee. " 
A shy, sly twink shot from the mystic orb 
Of smooth Penelope as thus she spake: 
"Sweet suitors, as I love ye equally, 
I'll choose to fill Tedysses' vacant throne 
The one among your train who this can do: 
Up in the garret lies a Weapon stout, 
Covered with cobwebs, deep in mothy 

dust — 
'Twas called 'the Big Stick' when by Ted 
'twas swung. " — 




THE TEDDYS EE 



63 



A deathsome shudder thrills along the 

line — 
'Now him among ye who can swing this 
bludgeon 

Thrice round his head and say 'Dee- 
lighted! ' thrice, 

To him the chair of Teddy 1 surrender. 

Then upward seven colored porters ran 
And, groaning gruffly like piano-movers. 
The big, black, brutal bludgeon down 

they bore. 
The wolf Aldrichas was the first to try. 
Baring his elbows, spitting on his hands, 




64 THE r EDDYS EE 

With biceps bent and shouldei-s firmly 

squared, 
He seized the weapon by its handle-end 
And tugged as might some little, busy ant, 
Trying to drag an auto up a hill. 
Next old Josephus of Cannonic fame 
Strained at the Stick and raised it far 

enough 
To drop it on his homespun Danville sock. 
Achilles tried in vain, then sunstruck Jim, 
Then tvtrentj^ stern, standpattish Senators. 
"Wliat! " cried Penelope. "Can no one lift 
The Stick which once my Ted with one 

hand swung 
While writing notes to Congress with the 

other?" 
Then did Tedysses, still in Glavis form, 
Step forth. "O Queen, a timid boon I 

crave: 
Though I may not be like Aldrichas strong, 
Or like Josephus wiry, grant me leave 
To try my puny wrists upon the Stick. ' ' 
With comic jeers the boon he asked was 

granted. 
And then 

Ye Furies! How shall 
I describe 
The marvel that immejut did befall? 
For, the thin mask of Glavis shaking off, 
Tedysses i-eared his well-remembered bulk, 



THE TEDDYSEK 65 

His knobby, knotty, super-bulldog shap)e. 
Within his gumptious gi'asp the Stick he 

clutched ; 
One tug, the mighty timber reared in air — 
Then through that charnel hall there 

shrilled the shriek 
Of "Ouch!" and "Spare us. Ted— we 

didn't do it!" 
Wretches! Why plead where pity there is 

none? 
Josephus and Aldrichas fell together. 
Squashed on the floor in one conglomerate 

blob. 
Skulls popped amain and on the marble 

walls 
Pattered the splatter of standpattish gore. 
Did one escape? Nay! On the lawn 

without 
Gathered the stout Progressives, fully 

armed, 
Bristow and Min-dock, Cummins. I^a Fol- 

lette. 
Holding their choppers right across the 

doors. 
So, when the screeching fugitives poured 

out. 
Bang went another deader on the sward ! 
So, all that wild avenging afternoon, 
"Thud! Thud!" the Stick descended. 

Heaven, assisting. 



66 THE TEDDYS EE 

Poured deadly lightning from the black- 
ening sky. 

The screams grew less. At length the 
Hall was still. 

Upon the scene Penelope did flit, 
Obsei'ved her Lord, then had a fainting fit. 
At last she raised her head. 
Smiled affably and said: 
"Good gracious me, j'ou haven't changed 
a bit!" 



BOOK THE FOURTH 



BOOK THE FOURTH 

/. — Tedysses Takeih a Pullman for Hades 
and Retur7i 

In myrrh and asphodel and drowsy lotus 

Tedysses sleeping lay. 
The Big Stick loosely wrapped, till further 
notice. 

In lavender and bay. 

Again in dreams he heard the shrieks and 
bellows 
Responding to the blow 
When with the scourge he smote the 
Crooked Fellows 
And brought the Okie Garde low. 

69 



70 THE TEDDYS EE 

While thus he dreamt, from out the am- 
bient ether 
Jove sent this wireless fleet: 
' ' Waste not thine hour in dreams, O Heavy 
Breather! 
More toil awaits thy feet. 

"Awake! descend at once to gloomy Hades 
And interview with care 
The Ananiac band of spooks and shadies 
Whom thou hast driven there. 

"Speak to them kindly whom in life thou 
chided. 
And when the jaunt is o'er 
Come back to Earth and manage undivided 
Thy throne forevermore. ' ' 

"Orders O. K.," T. R. to Heaven cabled; 
Then hastened to affix 
Upon his trunks a baggage-ticket labeled, 
"To Hades, via Styx." 

//. — He Slideth the Chide to the Infernal 

Basement 
"Halt! Who goes there?" From out the 
craggy black 
Of midnight Erebus a Voice outrasped, 
Harsh as a handsaw grating on a nail. 
Tedysses, who with jungle-seasoned feet 
Had strode into the very jaws of Hell, 



THE TEDDYSEE 71 

Now halted. ' ' Who art thou, dour sene- 
schal. 
That biddest the Moving Van of Progress 

stop ? 
No Man or Thing hath ever stayed my 

course. 
What jest is this?" " O Tumbo, " spake 

the Voice, 
"I have stopped kings and queens and 

actresses. 
The ruddy gold of Ormus or of Ind- 
-iana naught avails when I cry 'Halt! ' 
I am the Heart of Stone, the Voice of 

Brass. 
All hope abandon ye who enter here. " 
Ted struck a match and gasped when he 

beheld 
At Hades' gate the form of William Loeb, 
Three-headed, terrible, collecting tithes 
As tariff from the living and the dead. 

"Surely you know me. Bill," Tedysses 

spake. 
"That's what they all say," growled the 

icy Loeb. 
"Cough up the keys, now, for I see ye bear 
A suitcase filled with dutiable goods. ' ' 
He who had made the Afric lion faint 
And sassed the Bi'itish lion to his teeth. 
Now meekly oped his suitcase and declared 



72 THE T EDDYS EE 

The following items: 

Seven fountain pens, 

A photograph marked "Bill, R. I., 

to Ted," 
The Keys of London, 
Wagner's Simple I^ife, 
A safety razor, 
Works of Mai'c Aurelius, 
A gun, 

A pair of boots. 
The Pilgrim's Progress, 
A pack of faded letters postmarked 

"Rome." 

Loeb cast upon the pile his duteous eyes, 
Tagged the lot "'Confiscated," rang the 

bell 
And summoned Pluto. "Here's a gent," 

he said, 
"\Mio's bent on raising Hades — show him 

round. ' ' 

///. — He Chatteth with the Cniahed 
Spirits of His Foes 

The dark-browed Pluto, Hades' king. 

Removed his crown to Teddy's state: 
"Dear sir, thou art the livest thing 

That ever passed this sable gate. 

Now, tell me plain: Of my Domain 

What part wouldst thou accelerate?" 



THE TEDDYS EE 73 



Fair spake Our Ted: "I would prefer 
To see the victims, if you please, 

Who fell before my Walloper. ' ' 

Glum Pluto smiled with deathly ease. 

"\Ve have a whole Department, sir, 
Devoted to the souls of these. 

All in a Stygian motor- boat 

They launched them on the troubled 
tide. 
Grim Charon piped: "We scarce can float. 
The sea's so rough. ' ' But Teddy cried: 
"Fear not. Old Geezer — thou bearest 
Cffisar! " 
So crossed they to the other side. 

They first beheld a spout of fire 
Hard by a fogged infernal fen, 

WTience came loud shouts of "Who's a 
liar?" 
Wild issuing from some dismal den. 

And as the Voice rose high and higher 
Tedysses whispered, "It is Ben ! ' ' 

In a crude cave Ben Tillman stood 
Eating hot coals and spitting flames 

As though the banquet tasted good 

And burning brands were parlor games. 
"Hullo! " he said, observing Ted; 

"You can't beat me at calling names! " 



74 THE TEDDYS EE 

"O Pitchfork Ben," Tedysses cried, 

"No scorching names I bring to you; 
But this advice I bear to guide 

Your farther passage Hades through: 
Be suave to your Superior 

And do not speak till spoken to. " 

Then from that pit of deathless hate 

Burst a blue blaze of sulphured cuss: 
"Thou egocentric puffed Ingrate, 

Hades ain't big enough for us! " 

Pluto, dismayed, said: "Come, let's fade 
Before he starts another fuss. ' ' 

Hard by upon a Tarpeian lock. 
Lay Foraker, reduced to nil, 

Listless of any sound or shock. 

Limp as a rag and void of will. 
"Pluto," said Ted, "I hate to knock. 
But Joe, I see, is lying still. ' ' 

Loi'n, lonesome in the jaundiced mist, 

A gray Tree reared its gnarl and 
knot ; 
A hardshell Tree, whose sturdy twist 

Showed the healed scars of many a 
swat. 
Behold! What ho! 'T was Uncle Joe, 
Securely rooted to the spot. 



THE TEDDYS EE 75 



About this noble wooden chunk 

The hurricane of Progress blew, 
But Joseph neither budged nor shrunk 
From the hard I'ocks on which he 
grew. 
"Chop, if you will, this old gray trunk, 

But spare My Country's wool and 
glue!" 

A tremor twitched his tattered twig 
Beholding Teddy's outlines faint; 

Then whistled he: "I don't renege — 
If you're Republican, I ain't." 
"I half suspect that you're correct," 

Teddy replied, with some restraint. 

More woi'ds had passed, but Pluto's snort 
Broke in: "Come, Teddy, stir your 
feet! 

Eternity seems far too short 

When two Perpetual Speakers meet. 

The next to view is Aldrich, who 
Will furnish us a pretty treat." 

Through the weird Vale of Nature-Fakes 
The twain did wend their weary way, 

Past flying cows and singing snakes 

And clawfoot mules that ate their 
prey. 

Past climbing hogs and rabbit-frogs 

And storkichicks, both red and gray. 



76 THE TEDDYSEE 

The ghost of Reverend Mr. Long 

Forever climbed the lofty trees. 
Where apelike horses sat in song 
In altitudes one seldom sees. 
"They don't exist! " Tedysses hissed, 
Though obviously ill at ease. 

Soon Pluto and Tedysses came 

To an ice cliff topcapped vi^ith snows, 
Up whose smooth sides a ghost of fame, 

N. Aldrich, clomb with naked toes: 
As up he wore he madly bore 

A dollar balanced on his nose. 

'Gainst the smooth slope he slowly stepped, 
His straining sinews sorely sot. 

Balanced the coin with nose adept 
Till halfway up the peak he got, 

VNTien sudden — zip! — with frightful flip 
Down the slick, slippery slide he shot. 

Undaunted by that bumptious fall, 
Another dollar he obtained; 

This on his nose he set withal, 

And to the peak again he strained. 
"What's this grim joke?" Tedysses spoke. 
Whereat N. Aldrich thus explained: 

"This icy pinnacle you see 

Is called the Solid Interest; 



THE TEDDYSEE 



11 



Ten million years I'm doomed to be 
Its climbing toy, its bitter jest. 

Upon my nose I thus repose 

My Cun-ency — you know the rest. ' ' 




As summitward again he toiled. 

Again to slip and downward dart, 

His dignity forever spoiled, 

His temper peevish with the smart, 

A bully thrill of right good will 

\V armed Theodore s progressive 
heart. 



78 THE TEDDYSEE 



IV . — He Beholdeth the Specters of Famil- 
iar Monsters 

Upon a horrid, hopeless midland weir 

Malformed, gallumptious, bulbous brutes 
^ he saw; •" ; 

Some like the Singer Building, planet- 
reaching. 

Some short and slimy, squalid but im- 
mense. 

And yet, withal, they bore as half -devel- 
oped 

A sort of human shape — yet, oh, how 
twisted. 

Swollen, lopsided, fat, mal-specialized, 

As in the spectral swamps they rolled 
about. 

Babbled of mergers, panics, stock reports, 

Teai'ing their flabby sides and bleeding 
bullion. 

Tedysses sudden standing in their midst. 

An awful silence struck their mad carouse. 

Then, like a million boilers belching steam. 

They reared haunch-high and raised this 
hellish salvo: 
"Hail, Great Pile-Driver of the mighty 
chug! 

Thou who from realms of daylight ham- 
mered us 

To deeps of Stygian Orcus, by the fury 



THE TEDDYSEE 79 



Which thou on earth didst sway, devoid 

of nierey, 
Oh, stay thine arm, and pity us in Hell! " 

Tedysses, unto Pluto turning, said: 
"Who are these vast Homunculi here gath- 
ered — 

These monstrous near-Men lummoxing 
about? 

They seem to recognize me; yet their like 

I've never met in all my lecture toui's. " 

Pluto unto the giants turned and cried: 
"Since our Distinguished Tourist wants to 
know 

More of you — come now, give your college 
yell!" 

Whereat the monsters thus their roar in- 
toned : 

"We are the Grafters, 

We are the Thugs, 
We are the Crooks and the Shorts and 

Ugs; 
We are the Preds 

And the wealthy Mais, 
We are the Corporation Pals; 
We are the Rebate Spoils Distributors. 
We are the Campaign Fund Contributors; 
The Meddling Mats, 
The Mollycods, 



T 



80 THE TEDDYSEE 



The Standing Pats, 
The Salary Gods; 
The grubs of Gammon, 
The slaves of Mammon; 
The Pork-Keg Grabbers, 
The Cork-Leg Stabbers; 

The Senate-protected, 

Boodle-directed, 

Toothless, 

Truthless, 

Utterly ruthless, 

Soot-bad, 

Loot-mad 

Cogs unclean 

Of the old Republican Coin Machine. 

Har! Har! 

That's what we are! 

Huroo!!" 
Tedysses gazed a while with looks elate; 
Then said to Pluto: "This is simply great. 

When we get out of this 

It wouldn't be amiss 
To put an extra padlock on the gate. ' ' 

V. — The Elevator Descendeth tdth the 

Latest Load 
They struggled a while in a downward 

direction 
To a cave plainly marked. "Editorial Sec- 
tion." 



THE TEDDYSEE 81 



Close to this portal 
Of terrors immoi-tal 

Covered with fetters 

Sat Bellamy Storer, 
Typewriting letters 

And looking still sorer. 
These billets, marked "Private," I blush 

to confess. 
Were quickly devoured by the fiends of 
the press. 
"In this busy department, " said Pluto to 
Ted, 
"You'll find a fresh editor lashed to a 
Post, 
With the Sun in his eyes and the World 

on his head " 

"We'll cut out this show," said Ted to 
his host. 
"Since I've got a long life on the Outlook 
before me, 
I'm weary of printers; and editors bore 
me." 

As Teddy thus spoke 

From the darkness there bounced 
An imp black with smoke 

Who distinctly announced: 
"There's a fresh load o' spooks of a serious 
natur' 
Jest bein' sent down by the west elevator. " 



82 THE TEDDYSEE 



To the west elevator they speedily loped. 
The Victims poured out as the great door 

was oped 
And the first to arrive on the Stygian tarns 
Were Sherman and Lorimer, Woodruff 
and Barnes. 
"Well, boys," said Tedysses, 
"You've got to the place 
Where one seldom misses 

A popular face." 
Whereat the Big Four, with a sigh of 

regret, 
Lined up and delivei-ed this mournful 
quartet: 

Sentimental Song 
In the fields of our en-deav-or, when we 
worked in days of yore, 
We mowed down miles and miles of 
golden grain — 

Tra-la-la-loo! 
But to them Old Head-quar-ters we will 
ne'er go back no more. 
For happy days won't never come 
again. 

(Close harmony) 
The Same Old Gang sets silent round the 
empty ballot-box, 
Joe Cannon's picture's turned against 
the wall; 



THE TEDDYSEE 83 

Their campaign buttons need a shine, and 
holes are in their sox 
As this refrain they warble thro' the 
hall: 

Chxyrns 

"The Old Machine is bursted, mother dear! 
There's a clothesline tied around the run- 
ning gear. 
Can't we coax some kindly Trust 
To relieve the wheels of rust? 
For 

the Old 

Machine 

is rotten. 

Mother dear! ! " 



VI — The Windlass is Again Hoisted 

\Veary of ghosts Ted turned his toughened 

tissues 
Back to the sunlit eai-th of living issues — 
The earth of platforms, policies and kings. 
And just about a million Other Things; 
The World of Struggles, where the human 

race, 
Being from toi-por shook. 
May learn at last to look 
Truth, the Magnificent Bromide, in the 

face. 



4 




DEC 31 1910 




One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



'Hf'IS''. 



